


Didn’t Sappho say her guts clutched up like this?

by Chloe_Gayzer



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Crypto is there for like a second, F/F, Fluff, Poetry, anita has big gay feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23755915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chloe_Gayzer/pseuds/Chloe_Gayzer
Summary: Anita finds herself overwhelmed, all at once, by her feelings for the combat medic she's been working with for months.
Relationships: Bangalore | Anita Williams/Lifeline | Ajay Che
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	Didn’t Sappho say her guts clutched up like this?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this inspired by my favourite poem!

It happens all at once.

Anita feels like the ground has been taken out from under her. A moment before, she’d been casually joking with Ajay as she climbed up an incline in the arena. The next, she’d seen Ajay silhouetted by the sun behind her. Ajay had leaned down and offered her a hand up to where she was.

Anita had managed to thank her but hasn’t been able to speak past that.

_ Didn’t Sappho say her gut clutched up like this? Before a face suddenly numinous? _

The line pops into Anita’s head as she’s crouched there beside Ajay in cover, waiting for the respawn ship to drop off their third.

She isn’t terribly sure why the line comes to her. It’s from a poem she’d read years ago, in high school, for some project or other. It’s the only line she can remember from it at all, the others having been lost to time. She remembers it’s been a bit on the racier side as far as poems go, but not in a way that wasn’t poetic.

Ajay nudges her arm, capturing her attention again. “We got a good chance of it, huh, ‘Nita?”

Anita feels her face flush red. She doesn’t get why, she’s been around Ajay plenty and-- well, she does find herself blushing from time to time, but never so quickly or for something so small.

“Yeah,” she manages. “Once Crypto is back.”

Ajay takes out an ult accelerate and starts it up. “You n’ me, ‘Nita.” She takes out her signal for her care package. “We got it.”

Ajay says it casually, something to bolster Anita’s spirits. Anita is too busy with whatever realization she’s grappling with and whatever effect Ajay seems to have over her now.

Ajay darts out of their hiding spot. “Come n’ get ya’ birthday present!” she calls out to Crypto as he lands from the respawn ship. She picks a place for the care package to drop and ducks back into the cover Anita is still in.

Ajay fidgets with her prowler for a moment before nudging Anita’s arm again. “Pass me ya’ gun for a sec.”

Anita raises an eyebrow, but she does as she’s told. She hands over her R-301. “Why?”

Ajay ignores her but messes with the gun near the sight. She hands it back only a moment later. Dangling off the gun is one of Ajay’s charms. It’s a minuscule model of her health drone, Doc.

“For good luck,” Ajay explains. She follows it with a wink before heading back out where Crypto has been re-kit. She calls out to him again. “Ya’ got whatcha need?”

Anita doesn’t hear his response. She’s busy trying to calm the blush on her face. For the first time in a long time, she feels butterflies in her stomach.

_ Didn't Sappho say her gut clutched up like this? _

Anita swears under her breath and follows after Lifeline.

A crush? She has a crush on this woman? Hell, she’s always thought Ajay is attractive but she feels goddamn head over heels. It hit all at once, making Anita feel off-balance and, well, lovestruck.

_ Before a face suddenly numinous? _

Numinous. She’d had to learn the word when she first found the poem. Indicating the presence of divinity. And now, looking at Ajay, she knows a little of why that line occurred to her.

Ajay is beautiful. Anita has known this for as long as she’s known the medic. Something has changed about it though, and Anita finds it’s likely in her own mind rather than anything about Ajay actually having changed.

No, Ajay looks unchanged. But Anita can’t help but find her divine.

Anita has seen and dated plenty of women, but it’s been a long time since she’s felt true romantic attraction. Between her job with the games and her own personal desires, she hasn't had time to invest in dating. It's easier to have relationships mostly focused on just something quick and physical. One night stands, really.

With Ajay, she… she doesn't know. Ajay is, is  _ wonderful _ . Anita finds herself feeling like she's sixteen again, unable to figure out why she feels like she does, but also so enraptured by Ajay that it doesn't matter.

For now, Anita pushes it back in her mind and focuses on the fight.

And tries to stop staring at Ajay.

They win. Sometime later, they're standing in the winner's circle, posed for the camera. As soon as it's off, Ajay pulls Crypto into a hug. She squeezes for a moment before releasing him. And then she goes for Anita before Anita can brace herself. Together, they stumble a step back but Anita ultimately catches her.

Ajay is happy and laughing. She presses a kiss to Anita's cheek and says in a low voice at her ear "Told ya' we had it." She breaks the hug then and turns back to Crypto.

"Got that win!" she says happily. "Y'all best know it's a celebration."

Anita gets the urge to speak up, ask Ajay out, but she quells it. Not here, not in front of Park and so many cameras. She'll ask later when they can have a moment alone.

For now, she joins Ajay and Park in a few drinks on the ride back home. It’s a good environment, this post-win high, with friends beside her. Again, she finds it hard to look away from Ajay.

* * *

It’s chance that Anita runs into Ajay at the firing range some days later.

Ajay’s got a full kit sentinel in her hands. She’s climbed up to one of the higher spots and is crouched with it aimed down at the dummies below.

Anita grabs a gun of her own, a scout, and kits it out before heading up to where Ajay is.

“This spot taken?” Anita asks as she comes up beside Ajay.

Ajay glances at her from the side and grins. “Saved it jus’ for you, sugar.”

Anita feels her face go a bit hotter, but she gives a grin back as she settles into the spot.

They’re quiet for a bit as they both take shots at the targets below. 

Anita tries to focus on practising with the double tap on the scout. She’s already pretty damn good at it, but it never hurts to keep her skills sharp.

Ajay doesn’t seem as practised with the sentinel, but Anita supposes that’s why she’s here. She’s still hitting more shots than she’s missing.

It’s sometime later that Ajay sits back and seems to just watch Anita’s next shots. Anita feels her cheeks heat up but she doesn’t mind Ajay looking. She’s about to comment on it when Ajay speaks.

“Ya’ did real good last game.”

Anita looks back and again, she feels it again. She’s breathless and off-kilter just from seeing Ajay.

_ Didn’t Sappho say her guts clutched up like this? _

Ajay is giving her a soft look, warmer than Anita is used to, but she certainly doesn’t mind. She’s busy messing with her hair, having taken her buns out. She’s got one hand in her hair, shaking out the effect of her hair ties, as she’s speaking to Anita.

_ Before a face suddenly numinous? _

Anita doesn’t hear half of what she says, but she infers it was more on the win.

“You did really well too,” she answers in a husk. That goddamn ridiculous blush is back. "Backbone of the team."

"And you're the muscle," Ajay responds, pleased.

"I try to be."

If there's one thing Anita is thankful about, it's that she doesn't completely lose all ability to flirt when she's like this. She can, at the very least, keep that up when she feels this, this…  _ overwhelmed _ by emotion.

"Oh, by the way…" Anita sets her gun down and sits back so she can dig in her pocket. She pulls out the Doc charm Ajay had given her in the arena. "Thought I'd get this back to you."

Ajay looks pleased, but she folds Anita's fingers back over it. "You keep it. For good luck even when I ain't there."

Anita feels that fluttery feeling in her stomach intensify.

"Hey, I got an idea," she says suddenly as she tucks the charm back into her pocket.

"Oh?" Ajay asks, amused. "What's that?"

Anita gestures to her gun. "A friendly competition, if you're up for it. Line up some targets as practice. You win, you get the charm back."

Ajay raises an eyebrow. "An' if you win?"

"You let me make you dinner later this week."

It's a bit of a risk, but Anita thinks it's worth it. She knows Ajay is into women and she's pretty sure she's been flirting back.

With a smirk, Ajay picks up her sentinel. “What’re the rules a’ this “friendly competition” a’ yours?”

“We both take three shots at the same target. Whoever gets the best accuracy wins.”

“Deal.”

Before Anita can say any more, Ajay points her sentinel in the general direction of targets and fires three slow shots randomly. None hit even close to any target.

“You win. When you makin’ me dinner?” she asks sweetly.

Anita breaks out into a grin. “Anytime you want, doll.”

“Tomorrow? Your place around six?”

“Sounds like a date.”

Tilting her head, Ajay gives her a very interested look. “Better be.” She rolls her shoulders. “Don’t think I should be shootin’ more. Just came across somethin’ that’ll distract me.” She rests the sentinel against her shoulder and winks at Anita. “See ya’ tomorrow, sugar.”

With that, Ajay heads out of the range.

Anita watches her go. As soon as she’s out of sight, Anita can’t help but laugh. She’s got a date with Ajay. She feels giddy but doesn't really know why. She's gotten dates before.

But this feels different. The line plays over and over again in her head. Lines that, centuries ago, were written about a love for women that goes even further back.

Ajay had thrown the competition. She'd actively chosen the dinner with Anita. She could've genuinely tried or even outright said no to the competition, but she had let Anita win just for the dinner.

Anita stands up straight and takes a deep breath. She feels pumped up, like she could take on half a city full of people. She decides to head to the gym, and after; the grocery store. She's got a dinner to plan.

* * *

“Hey, ‘Nita,” Ajay greets as Anita opens the door.

Anita grins and steps back to let her in. “Hey,” she answers. “You look…  _ beautiful _ .”

Ajay’s got her hair in double dutch braids. Her makeup is, for the most part, subtle. It’s mostly just a dusting of colour on her eyelids. Her outfit consists of a white off the shoulder top with gold accents. Her bottoms are tight shorts that show off more skin than Anita has ever seen from Ajay.

“Thank ya’, sugar.” Ajay takes a moment to look over her as well. “You’re lookin’ pretty good ya’self.”

Anita had gone through half her closet to find something that worked. She’d settled on a nice muscle tank with a thin plaid vest over it, left unbuttoned. Her bottoms are just simple black cargo shorts. She’s never been one for a traditionally feminine look; she’s always been a butch. She hadn’t known if her muscle was something Ajay was interested in, but judging by the looks Ajay is giving her, it is.

“Sorry I’m a bit early,” Ajay continues. “Mighta been a bit eager to get here.”

“Works for me. Just means I get to see you earlier.” She guides Ajay further into her place and offers her a spot at the bar countertop. “Dinner isn’t done yet, but you can keep me company if you want.”

“Oh, I want.” She slips onto the chair and leans her elbows on the counter. “Whatcha makin’? Smells good.”

“Pan-seared steak, mashed potatoes, and roasted carrots.” She flips one of the steaks and turns back to Ajay. “You want anything to drink?”

“Sure. Whatcha got?”

“Water, beer… Wine, if you’d like.”

“Water for now. Save wine for the meal.”

They chat as Anita continues to cook. Anita feels calm and happy. That poem line pops into her head from time to time; Ajay is that pretty, just simply sitting at the counter.

At one point, Anita turns and Ajay has her chin resting on her hand and giving her a warm look. It catches Anita off guard and she feels her face heat up. Ajay doesn’t mention it.

“Was real happy you asked me out, ‘Nita,” she murmurs instead. “Ain’t many rumours around you bein’ the datin’ type. I didn’t wanna ask ya’ if it was gonna make things awkward.”

Anita frowns. “Yeah, I-- I don’t date much, but…” She shrugs. “I don’t find many people worth dating.”

Ajay smiles. “I make the cut, huh?”

With a chuckle, Anita pulls out plates from the cupboard. “Darlin’, you are the cut.”

“Ya’ know how to make a gal feel special.”

Anita stills as she’s plating the food. She feels almost embarrassed about how Ajay’s been affecting her lately. One little look or comment and Anita turns bright red.

“As long as you know you are.” Anita sets the plates down at the table and gestures Ajay over. “Dinner time. I’ll pour you some wine.”

* * *

After dinner, they watch a movie. Anita can barely pay attention, as Ajay has cosied up to her side. Anita’s got an arm around her. Ajay’s head is on her shoulder and she’s got an arm across Anita’s front.

Ajay laughs at something on the screen. Anita doesn’t catch the joke, but she enjoys the sound of her laugh.

Ajay feels warm against her and Anita can't recall the last time she was so content, the last time she felt this good. She's happy.

It's almost a surprise.

She does jump though when Ajay tugs at her vest collar a bit and asks, "Can I kiss you?"

Anita can barely think to get the words out, "You never have to ask that."

There's a chuckle as Ajay shifts. "Always betta' t' ask, dumplin'." She licks her lips. "Gotta mind my manners."

And then Ajay kisses her.

Ajay is her sole focus then, as she’s pushed back against the couch. Ajay is eager as if she’s been waiting for this all night. She kisses Anita hard and uses her vest collar to keep her close. Ajay taking control is a bit of a surprise for Anita, but it’s far from a bad one. She’s up on one knee to get some height on Anita.

When they part sometime later, Anita is light-headed.

Ajay jokes as she rewinds the movie to see what she's missed. She settles back against Anita, looking all too pleased with herself. She snuggles closer when Anita shifts to make it easier/

In the dark of the living room, with only the television to light them, Anita feels… calm. She's surely got Ajay's lipstick smeared around her lips and trailed a bit over her jaw, and she's just started a relationship that'll certainly face a lot with what their job is, but she feels unstoppable. The games, the media, and everyone else… they take a back burner to what Anita feels right now. Right now, Ajay is what matters.

As the movie ends, Anita realizes Ajay has fallen asleep against her. She looks damn near angelic where she rests, curled against Anita’s side.

_ Before a face suddenly numinous? _

Rather than wake the woman, Anita shifts a bit to accommodate her better, turns off the television, and pulls out her phone.

With how much Anita has thought of that poem's first couple of lines lately, she feels obliged to search it up and give it another read.

It's an easy find.

Anita reads through it once, twice, three times. It’s better now that she’s an adult, and she can't but laugh to herself a bit. The first line had occurred to her as she had realized she'd fallen hard for Ajay, and the last line is how she feels now. The coincidence is amusing to her, maybe even funny. Everything between, well, that applies too, but… That first line and that last line get her.

Ajay shifts a bit against her. "Whatcha laughing at, sugar?"

"Hard to explain," she answers. "Just… an old memory, I guess."

"Mmm." Ajay yawns and resettles against Anita. "We should do this again sometime."

"Whenever you want, doll."

Ajay makes a happy noise in the back of her throat before falling back asleep where she is.

Anita looks fondly at her before reading the poem for a fourth time. She focuses on the last line and tries to commit it to memory.

_ Sweetheart, it isn’t lust; it’s all the rest of what I want with you that scares me shitless. _

**Author's Note:**

> The poem mentioned is [Didn’t Sappho say her guts clutched up like this?] by Marilyn Hacker. It's my favourite by a lot. The middle bits are a little less romantic yearning and a little more physical, but the poem is so so good.


End file.
